never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
