like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
