Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
farters have to be the big spoon...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
