I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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