i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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