we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize