Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
