My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
