Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
