apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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