More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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