You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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