So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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