I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
