Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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