I didn't shave. On purpose
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
