It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Boobs are out for the taking
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
