he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize