I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
