You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
