the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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