I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
