mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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