no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
