She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
