Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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