i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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