i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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