He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
