she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
