Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
