I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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