So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
