I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
