Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
