Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
