this just has baby written all over it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
