Moan for me like Helen Keller
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
