half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
