He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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