if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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