I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
