I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
my liver is dry heaving
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
