Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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