dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
