I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
