Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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