When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
