you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
