im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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