so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
