Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
