Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
