So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
