Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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