my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
