Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize