there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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