Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she looked like the before picture.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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