So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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