I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My cat gives me a boner
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
