I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
